Author: Amy Alkon

Chasing Jamey

Earlier this year, I met what I thought was a sweet, kind, caring man. After a whirlwind romance, he proposed, we got engaged and moved in together. Shortly afterward, I discovered he\’d shaved 10 years off his age. He said he was 42; he\’s actually 52 (I\’m 32). I then began snooping on his computer. Here\’s my problem: He seems addicted to Internet porn. Not just any porn, gay porn. He has five separate e-mail aliases and belongs to 67 gay porn sites. He has used gay phone sex and gay personals. When I confronted him, he said he was \”not gay in the least.\” He is very underendowed, and this was the reason he gave for looking at naked men. He claims he pretends that he has what they have while \”entertaining himself.\” I don\’t buy it, but I\’m wondering if maybe it is possible for a heterosexual man to not be gay and be addicted to this type of porn. — Concerned Fiancée This guy\’s straight like I\’m a vegetarian. Okay, so there\’s a freshly slaughtered cow taking up my entire refrigerator/freezer. It\’s just there for those times I can\’t help but eat a dead animal (like when it\’s too hard to spear on a fork while it\’s still running around). But, maybe your fiance\’s just \”bi-curious.\” Very, very, very bi-curious. The problem is he doesn\’t seem...

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A tale of naked whoa

I\’d like to have sex three or four times a week, but my girlfriend of a year is willing only once a week. She isn\’t on antidepressants or other medication. I\’m guessing her sex drive is just low since she says she\’s very happy with me and just isn\’t usually in the mood. I find begging unappealing and don\’t want to pressure her to do anything she doesn\’t want to do. I know relationships require compromise. What would be a reasonable one regarding frequency of sex? — Rationed Relationships are filled with little tasks that don\’t exactly bring a person to screaming orgasm. A man, for example, doesn\’t wake up in the middle of the night with some primal longing to bring his girlfriend flowers or clean the trap in her sink. Like sex, these things can be expressions of love, but if a guy\’s going to lock himself in the bathroom, it\’s not going to be with \”Bob Vila\’s Complete Guide to Remodeling Your Home.\” So, couldn\’t putting out when you aren\’t in the mood be seen as just another expression of love? Joan Sewell, author of \”I\’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning To Love My Low Libido,\” told the Atlantic Monthly, \”If you have sex when you don\’t desire it, physically desire it, you are going to feel used.\” Well, OK, perhaps. But if a guy rotates a...

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The rude road to recovery

I love my girlfriend of eight years very much, but I\’m at wits\’ end over her (nonromantic) relationship with her ex-boyfriend, who lives in another state. To her, he\’s a helpless 37-year-old boy who needs constant motherly supervision so he doesn\’t get taken advantage of. They talk on the phone multiple times daily, and she sees every problem he calls about as a catastrophe that MUST be handled immediately (he needs a doctor or a house to rent or to vent about a driver who cut him off). I\’m bothered to no end when she leaves the table during dinner to go talk to him or gets up when we\’re watching a movie, leaving me to pause the DVD for 30 minutes until she returns. During eight years of this, I\’ve asked her not to talk to him while I\’m around since we have conflicting schedules and limited time together. She\’ll agree, but nothing changes. I do my best not to upset her, but sometimes I let it be known I\’m ticked off, and she flips out, and says she\’ll leave me if I can\’t handle her \”talking to (her) friends.\” — A Sap Well, you got the sap part right. It\’s only taken you eight years with this woman to begin to suspect that the actual saying is \”I am my kid\’s mom,\” not \”I am my ex-boyfriend\’s...

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Not taking know for an answer

I have a guy friend, \”Bobby,\” whose wife has blurted out twice (once at my wedding reception) that Bobby and I dated in college. We actually had a one-night stand — over 10 years ago. Word got around to my husband, who asked me if Bobby and I had indeed dated. I said no, since technically we hadn\’t. I finally asked Bobby\’s wife to stop talking about it, and she sort of apologized and hasn\’t spoken of it since. Still, I\’m really nervous when we run into her at social functions, because knowing about Bobby would upset my husband. I can see him getting all jealous, like, \”We\’ve been hanging out with this guy, and now I find out that you slept with him.\” He\’d at least be hurt that something was kept from him (even though he specifically stated that he never wanted to be told this stuff). Worse, he might want to have the \”numbers\” conversation, and let\’s just say I\’ve lost track, and he believes sex equals love, and the only other person he ever slept with was his ex. — Anxious Your husband knows you were a hussy. That\’s why he made it clear he never wanted to be told what you did, and with whom. And a good thing that is, since it sounds like the details of \”with whom\” may sometimes be limited...

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Charlotte’s (tangled) web

I’m a 49-year-old guy, and when I met my girlfriend of six months she told me she was 30. Our 19-year age difference worried me, but she said it was cool with her. A few weeks ago, I inadvertently discovered she’s really 39. She admitted it, apologized and said she didn’t know why she didn’t tell me. I’m glad she’s 39, but should I be worried about this kind of dishonesty spilling over into other areas? — Trust Tested "Beauty is truth," wrote Keats. Clearly, Keats never experienced underwires, implants or those little silicone patties women stick in their bras. (There’s a reason they don’t call them "truthsies.") The truth is, beauty is rarely truth but typically the product of a massive disinformation campaign. If you think about it, even deodorant is a lie – and may be a "gateway drug" to lipo, Botox and lips by Goodyear. For liars on more of a budget, there are those pantyhose that squeeze a size 16 woman into a size 6 woman — until she passes out and has to be removed from her nylons by paramedics wielding the Jaws of Life. Men, too, lie about their looks — with Rogaine, hair plugs, socks in the crotch and the untucked shirt hiding the really big gut. And then, because women are into fiscal good looks, a man’s more likely to introduce...

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