Author: Amy Alkon

Opportunity knockers

After my wife\\\’s jewelry business slowed down, she started bartending to pay her part of our bills. She\\\’s 35. A guy of about 60 got friendly with her, leaving $50 tips for a few beers. This raised an eyebrow for me. Then she got breast implants and a tummy tuck and still had money … hmmm. After digging through her tall tales, I finally got her to admit Mr. Friendly funded everything. She just started nursing school, and now he gives her more than $2,000 a month. She insists he\\\’s just a friend, and the father figure she never had, and he just wants to help. They meet regularly for coffee, and I\\\’ve even heard her on the phone telling him \\\”I love you\\\” (platonically, she insists). We have a 4-year-old son together, and I love her and don\\\’t want to leave. Still, she won\\\’t stop seeing him because he pays her bills, and I can\\\’t pick up all the debt she\\\’s incurred. Money aside, she doesn\\\’t want to be without her \\\”friend.\\\” Any ideas? My head\\\’s about to burst. — Outbid There is a bright side to this. Unlike rich guys who fund hospital wings, at least he didn\\\’t have his name plastered across his donation: \\\”Support for these breasts comes from the Dirty Old Man Foundation.\\\” Your wife keeps trying to pass this thing off as something...

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Hunk In The Trunk

I’m college educated with a professional job that pays well. My boyfriend of two years does manual labor, makes much less money and has poor financial prospects. He’s a simple guy, and we may not have many deep conversations, but he’s loyal, good to me in many ways, and we’re sexually compatible. He’s 43, and I’m seven years older, but I look pretty good. He’s very tall, in very good shape and very good-looking. The problem: Whenever some of my girlfriends come to the house, they’re so distracted by his looks that they stare at him a little obsessively. This is the one significant issue interrupting our relationship. How can I stop worrying about this and find peace of mind? — Insecure Which of the following doesn’t belong? 1. I have a rare fatal form of B.O. 2. I’m in the middle of a bear breeding ground wearing a necklace of beef jerky. 3. My boyfriend is tall, buff and incredibly hot. Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but as problems go, “My boyfriend’s too good-looking!” is right up there with “I make too much money!” and “I own too many villas on the Italian Riviera!” It is conceivable that your girlfriends find your working man Adonis glance-worthy, but are you really running around dabbing their chins for drool? Come on, what goes on at your house, you invite the...

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Malice In Wonderland

I am 36, with one son, and I had been dating a wonderful man for a year. We were planning on moving in together and discussing marriage… until one day I said to him, out of anger, “No wonder your wife divorced you and your daughter doesn’t speak to you!” That was two months ago. I have sent a steady stream of cards and flowers expressing how sorry I am for what I said, but he says we’re done. I started counseling because he told me I have an anger management problem and he can’t live with someone like me. I just can’t live with myself knowing I lost the man of my dreams. I’m queasy, and I’ve dropped 17 pounds in two months. Is a man really worth this? — Heat Of The Moment There are times in a man’s life when he comes to understand what “I love you” really means; in this case, “I’d like to tear out your liver with my bare hands, cut it up into hors d’oeuvre-sized pieces, and feed it back to you on Ritz crackers.” OK, sure, you apologized — which is the equivalent of saying, “I mean, ‘I’d like to tear out your liver, etcetera, etcetera… Snookums.’” The guy trusted you enough to show you all the little broken pieces in him, and you rewarded him by gathering them up,...

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Gapes of wrath

My wife of six months is the love of my life and everything I want in a woman. We\’ve been together two years and have a 6-month-old son. The problem is, and always has been, my looking at other women. I don\’t usually realize I\’m doing it, but my wife catches me and is now just waiting to catch me. Honestly, when I look at them, I don\’t have any sort of intentions, it\’s just something I do. Yet, my wife is now threatening divorce because she believes it means I don\’t love her. I realize I\’m doing something horrible, and I\’ve mostly quit, which takes a lot of conscious effort, and that\’s what\’s worrying me. Is something wrong with me? Should I get professional help? — Wandering Eyes You\’re only looking at women, not chasing them down telling them you\’ll meet them behind the bowling alley … just as soon as you can park your stroller-bound son with somebody you trust; say, that guy lying in the doorway with the sign, \”Will baby-sit for gin.\” OK, so, if you\’re with your wife, and your head swivels around like that girl\’s in The Exorcist, you have, let\’s say, a few manners issues. Think about how you\’d feel if your wife were always walking down the street with a cartoon dotted line from her eyes to every passing guy\’s package:...

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Office macks

I\’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for three years. Last year, I met a really great co-worker, \”Brian,\” who\’s also in a serious relationship. We hit it off from the start. We talked about our stressful work environment and quickly began hanging out outside the office — getting coffee, going to lunch and happy hour. We\’ve discussed our mutual attraction and, on occasion, have flirted past the point of friendship. However, we want to stay friends and not jeopardize what we each have at home. How do I tell my boyfriend about my friendship with Brian without hurting his feelings? I believe honesty is always the best policy, and I\’m afraid if I start hiding feelings or keeping secrets from my boyfriend it could lead to other bad behavior on my part. — Ready To Come Clean Whenever I write that honesty actually isn\’t the best policy, I get piles of e-mail from people who\’ve heard 75 different therapists earnestly tell some TV chat-tron that you can\’t have \”real intimacy\” with your partner if you don\’t spill everything. Please. If two people lack closeness, are they really going to bond over the news that one of them has taken to bumping uglies in the janitor\’s closet with some third person? Brian started out as your \”office husband,\” that one special person you share your life with,...

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UPCOMING COMMUNITY EVENTS

  1. Humanizing the Other: Art by Salomón Huerta

    November 1, 2019 @ 8:00 am - January 3, 2020 @ 8:00 pm
  2. Key Frames: A Celebration of Animation & Production Art

    November 8, 2019 @ 10:00 am - January 9, 2020 @ 4:00 pm
  3. Guest Artist’s Reception

    December 13 @ 5:00 pm - 7:00 pm
  4. Jazz Collective

    December 13 @ 7:30 pm
  5. Footworks Youth Ballet presents The Nutcracker on Dec. 14-15 at the Oxnard Performing Arts Center

    December 14 - December 15
  6. Humane Society of Ventura County Purrs & Paws Holiday Boutique & Marketplace

    December 14 @ 9:00 am - 4:00 pm
  7. 54th Annual Holiday Parade of Lights

    December 14 @ 12:00 pm - 8:00 pm
  8. Book Signing

    December 15 @ 2:30 pm - 3:30 pm
  9. Bird Museum Holiday Hours

    December 20 @ 2:00 pm - 4:30 pm
  10. Rev. Karen’s Mid-Month Devotional Retreat: The Greatest Gift You Can Give!

    December 22 @ 11:00 am - 2:00 pm