Author: Amy Alkon

You May Now Dis The Bride

I recently married a wonderful man. A few of his friends who could be described as “anti-marriage” attended our wedding, but everything was perfect — until the next day when we opened our gifts. Inside one box, badly wrapped in gold paper, was a little white plastic shovel and a note: “Beth, I know it’s not gold, but you get the idea.” Someone was calling me a gold digger! FYI, my husband makes a modest salary. I make slightly less. When we viewed our wedding video, one of the anti-marriage guys, “Rob,” had the box in several shots. My husband called Rob, who claimed “some girl had (him) hold it while she took a picture.” He couldn’t describe her at all — not even her hair color. My response: telling my husband Rob wasn’t welcome in our house, and that I would never socialize with him. Am I justified? Should my husband still talk to him? Outraged The least “Rob” could’ve done is give you a real gold shovel so you could pawn it, since you married a man who’s unlikely to ever buy you Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but who can probably spring for an afternoon snack at that cheapo mall jewelry store, Claire’s. Some people’s happiness really makes other people hurl. So, the guy’s “anti-marriage.” Frankly, so am I. But, when friends feel differently, I somehow manage to...

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Things That Go Bump In The Nightie

I\’m 25, and I recently married an incredible man. He satisfies me in every way imaginable, and our marriage is everything I\’d hoped for. Yet, I\’m often plagued by illicit dreams about my exes. Sometimes the \”star\” is a man I haven\’t thought about in years (although, thankfully, it\’s sometimes my husband). Is this normal? I wake up feeling like a filthy cheater and like I should confess. —Dirty Dreaming Let\’s say your head takes the night off from naked ex-boyfriends, and you find yourself dreaming about the aliens and their probe. Oh, no … does that mean you aren\’t truly over the guy with the one big purple eye? Or, could it just be a message about your choice of nightcap: that you might try swapping in a glass of warm milk and Goodnight Moon for your regular mug of absinthe and hour of late-night vintage sci-fi? Thanks to Freud, you\’re prone to believe your dreams are repressed desires for your exes when they could just as easily be X-rated mental lint. A growing body of evidence suggests Freud\’s famous book, The Interpretation of Dreams, might be more correctly titled The Misinterpretation of Dreams, or I\’ll Make A Bunch Of Stuff Up Because I\’m Sex Mad, And Get Real Famous, And Make A Fortune. Even now, nobody can say conclusively why we dream or what dreams mean, but...

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Life Isn’t All Funbags And Games

I love my girlfriend, including her small breasts, which are nicely proportional to her small body. But, the sight of big breasts does more than distract me, it makes me reconsider everything with my girlfriend. Not being 16, I recognize that giving in to impulses to get close to big breasts will probably be far more complicated than it’s worth. I guess I’m a victim of Playboy and the rest. Is there a way to dial this impulse down a notch or two? Breast Stressed There’s nothing like trying very, very hard not to think of big breasts to get you doodling them in the margins of your invoices at work. And then your boss wants to know why all your zeroes have little dots inside them. “Uh … leaky pen?” Do you really think you’d be into small boobs if only the ones Playboy featured were a little less melon-like and a little more like two Red Hots on a wall? There’s actually a good chance a desire for big breasts predates Hugh Hefner by, oh, 10,000 to 1.8 million years or so. That’s when men evolved to go for the features they still go for today — based on which women would be the healthiest, most fertile candidates for passing on their genes. Maybe that’s why some of the biggest honking hooters you’ll see are on a...

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Mope against hope

My co-worker always has \”a great weekend!\” compared to my lame ones. In fact, my whole summer\’s been lame because I can\’t find a girlfriend. She keeps telling me if I stop \”looking\” I\’ll meet somebody. I believe that\’s true for women, not men. A woman just needs to show up and men hit on her. She\’ll enjoy herself, give out her number, and perhaps go out with a guy. She may discover he\’s married, or has tons of baggage, but she had a good time and a few free meals, and her self-esteem remains intact. — Just Unloading According to you, all a girl needs to do is \”show up.\” OK, maybe so — if the girl\’s name is Angelina Jolie. She can probably put as little prep into going out as some guys do: hose herself down, shake the water off like a big dog, slap on some deodorant, and dig through the pile for a shirt and pants dark enough that the biohazards mostly blend in.  As for the mere mortal woman who just shows up, guys mainly notice her when she\’s blocking their path to the woman who spent countless hours trying to look like all she did was show up: plucking, teasing, squeezing, highlighting, low-lighting, pushing up, working out, sucking in, and, for the truly fun part, paying $100-plus dollars to get waxed and...

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Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea

I’m a 23-year-old woman, and my boyfriend is 37. We’ve been very happy and communicate well, but I recently started hanging with a guy my own age, and I ended up having feelings for him, too. I hate going behind my boyfriend’s back when he’s fully committed, but my biggest fear is that my family will think he’s too old for me, and their approval means a lot. I need to choose soon because I hate lying to people I love. How do I decide who’s right for me, and what should I base my decision on? — Confused Write each guy’s name in ketchup on your kitchen counter. Find a pregnant iguana. Clip its toenails and scatter them in a circular pattern around each name. Walk outside and ask the first person you see their name. More than eight letters? Go with the older guy. Fewer than eight? The young dude. Or … just dump both, leave the iguana to lick up the ketchup, and throw yourself at the next guy who asks you the time. No, I’m not kidding. At this stage in your life, this is as good a method as any for deciding who will stay and who will go. The truth is, nobody is particularly right or wrong for you because there isn’t a whole lot of you to be right or wrong for....

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