~ASTROLOGY~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

\\\”The face is the most erotic part of the body,\\\” says fashion designer Vivienne Westwood. Try out that perspective for a while, Aries. Your assignment in the coming week is to enjoy getting excited by faces that captivate your imagination. This isn\\\’t just about pure physical beauty, of course. You should also be alert to the titillating wisdom and arousing compassion that are revealed in their features . . . as well as the ripples of inscrutable emotions and the flows of secret knowings.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

Lately, it\\\’s as if you\\\’ve been riding a roller coaster on which you\\\’re forbidden to scream. It\\\’s as if you\\\’ve been trying to suppress your laughter as you watch a series of the funniest stand-up comedians on the planet. It\\\’s like you\\\’ve been ordered to sit stiffly in a chair and keep your feet motionless while your favorite band plays the dance music you love best. I hope you won\\\’t put up with this predicament any longer, Taurus. Either scream, laugh, and dance, or else escape any situation that\\\’s keeping you clamped down.

GEMINI

(May 21 – June 20)

\\\”I do not wish to hear about the moon from someone who has not been there,\\\” wrote 19th-century wit Mark Twain. That\\\’s an extreme statement of how important it is to formulate conclusions based on first-hand knowledge rather than on hearsay and random opinions. In the coming weeks, this principle will be even more crucial to your mental health than it usually is. In my astrological opinion, you need to significantly increase the proportion of information you acquire through your direct perceptions, as well as from people who\\\’ve had intimate contact with the things you\\\’re curious about.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

\\\”Dear Rob: Do you have any tips on dealing with fear that paralyzes you? Like say I need to tell a certain someone how I really feel. My heart keeps telling me to do it. My mind keeps telling me to do it. But my fear makes me put it off again and again. And I don\\\’t have much time before the window of opportunity closes. Please help! I don\\\’t want to miss out! – Cowardly Cancerian.\\\” Dear Soon-To-Be-Courageous Cancerian: In accordance with cosmic rhythms, which are conspiring to assist you in summoning hidden reserves of chutzpah, I hereby assign you to actually do the thing you fear at one of these times: Friday, August 10 between 7 and 9 pm; Saturday, August 11 between noon and 2; Sunday, August 12 between 3:30 and 6 pm; or Monday, August 13 between 6 and 8 pm.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

I predict you will dream about at least three of the following things in the coming week: a flying carpet, a genie\\\’s lamp, the food of the gods, a wizard\\\’s wand, healing ointment, a silver chalice, and enchanted mud. \\\”So what?\\\” you might be saying. \\\”What do dreams, no matter how fun they might be, have to do with my pursuit of happiness in the cold, cruel world of my waking life?\\\” And I say unto you, Leo, that these dreams will mysteriously transform your psyche in such a way that you\\\’ll be able to accomplish magic that may have seemed impossible before.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Why fight for rights that are already yours, Virgo? Why sacrifice yourself for the benefit of people who wouldn\\\’t fully appreciate your gifts? And why are you even thinking about dividing when you should be multiplying? Any of these acts would be a crime against yourself. So listen up: You just have to hold out a little longer. If you can avoid running up a big karmic debt in the next few days, if you can refrain from hurting yourself in a misguided attempt to fix situations that can\\\’t be fixed, you\\\’ll be home free. Soon the whole cast of monsters, demons, and goons will pack up their inane torture devices and go trundling back to the hells where they came from.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When you see a shooting star, you\\\’re usually looking at a piece of cosmic debris that\\\’s 30 to 60 miles away and no bigger than a grain of rice. As it streaks through the atmosphere, the compression of air in front of it creates a shock wave, generating enough heat to send a bright light to your eyes. Sound like something you want to emulate, Libra? I believe that in the coming weeks, your smallest actions, like those of shooting stars, could produce dramatic, far-reaching effects.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

\\\”Dear Rob: In the past few weeks, life has been opening me up over and over again, as if I were a rose that couldn\\\’t stop blooming. Every perception hits me with a soothing bolt of clarity. Every conversation is gracefully sculpted, as if composed by a higher power. I\\\’m listening and actually hearing what people really mean. I feel accountable for each word that comes out of my mouth. It\\\’s amazing. Do you have any tips for keeping this state going on forever? I\\\’m afraid I\\\’ll slip back into a duller, more self-absorbed state. – Scorpio On Fire.\\\” Dear Scorpio: Don\\\’t cling. Don\\\’t be grasping or anxious. Instead, do what is potentially every Scorpio\\\’s specialty: Die and be reborn every day. Again and again, kill off the magic that\\\’s working so well and artfully resurrect it in a transformed version.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In Infinite Jest, novelist David Foster Wallace imagines what life will be like in the future. One big change is that the years will no longer be known by numbers. The naming rights will have been sold to corporate sponsors. What might have been 2013 and 2014, for instance, will be the Year of Dairy Products from the American Heartland and the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment. I thought it might be fun to borrow that idea for your horoscope, especially in light of the fact that imminent events may play a big role in defining the main themes of 2007. Will this turn out to be your Year of Fertility Rites in the Wild Frontier? Or maybe the Year of Your Inner Animal\\\’s Intelligence Upgrade? Or the Year of Your Fantastic Voyage to the Cosmic Lost and Found? We\\\’ll soon find out.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Certain religions whose names I won\\\’t mention have given prayer a bad name. It has come to be associated with sentimentality, desperation, delusion, greed, and wishful thinking. But I prefer to define prayer as an intention to align your emotions and thoughts with the highest possible good. Can you give that definition a whirl? I hope so. It\\\’s Big Wild Prayer Week, a time when you will have an extraordinary ability to get in sync with almost unimaginably catalytic currents of cosmic beauty and truth.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

\\\”Desire is not an occupation,\\\” croons the lead singer of the industrial rock band KMFDM. But I beg to differ, at least as far as you\\\’re concerned. For the immediate future, it would definitely not be totally crazy for you to play hooky from your job and stop doing all the busy work you usually do so that you could fully devote yourself to exploring the riddles of your deepest longings. I\\\’m not just talking about the yearning for love and sex, but every single one of your bone-aching, abyss-tempting, reality-crunching hungers.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

I\\\’d like to see you permanently lose at least 50 percent of your chronic aggravation. And I have an idea about how you might do that. Choose a day when you\\\’ve got the leisure time to spend one intense half hour cursing about everything that annoys, frustrates, and upsets you. For those 30 minutes, you\\\’ll allow yourself to unleash tremendous ferocity as you commune with visions of your outrage. Giving yourself that permission — so my theory goes — would drain the backlog of vexation you\\\’ve been carrying around. If you do it right, your spirit will be purged of the sour heaviness of background rage for at least eight weeks, probably longer.

~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

Would you like to shed your soul\’s baby fat without having to go on a diet? Do you want to supercharge your immune system, improve your memory for the events that really matter, and build the spiritual power of your sexual feelings? Are you interested in postponing forehead wrinkles, getting glimpses of your beautiful future, and diminishing your fascination with the media\’s nihilism? The secrets to pulling off these possibilities will be more available to you than ever before in the coming weeks. And what\’s the best way to ensure you\’ll gather them in? Open your heart. I mean really open your heart — with a relentlessly tender intensity.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

Lagging 14-second periods Thursday should even out size along most south facing breaks to waist to chest while wind swell diminishes. By Saturday the southwest swell will fade but south facing breaks could stay waist-high and the swell should get smaller over the weekend.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

My Gemini friend Risa is brilliant and sophisticated. She speaks four languages fluently, and is one of the few people I\’ve met who understands the theory of relativity. So then why is she fascinated with bad reality TV shows like \”The Girls Next Door,\” which follows the lives of Hugh Hefner\’s girlfriends? How could she possibly enjoy monster truck rallies, which she attends now and then? What purpose is there in her encyclopedic knowledge of the toys favored by children in Kazakhstan, the diets of German racehorses, and the clubs of Chinese women devoted to reproducing antique European lace doilies? As an astrologer, I don\’t find this mysterious. I\’m aware that for many Geminis, everything is potentially interesting, even information other people regard as trivial. It\’s all raw data to be used in the infinitely fun game of playing with ideas. And that has never been a more apt description of your tribe than it is now.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

\”I tell young people that the greatest paintings in museums are made with minerals mixed in oil smeared on cloth with the hair from the back of a pig\’s ear,\” says artist James Rosenquist. I hope that thought incites you to achieve pragmatic breakthroughs in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It\’s time to play in the mud and risk making a mess, if necessary, in order to translate your beautiful visions into earthy realities.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Barbara Sher\’s self-help tome is called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It. In one sense it\’s designed for beginners — young people who are just learning how to identify meaningful goals to pursue. But in my opinion, every one of us periodically needs to revisit the mode described in the book\’s title. For instance, maybe you\’ve accomplished a dream you\’ve worked on for months or years, and require a jumpstart as you seek your next big project. Or maybe some desire that motivated you for a long time has faded in its intensity, and you\’re feeling blah and apathetic, in need of redirection. Does any of this apply to you, Leo? I bet it does.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The modern war between science and spirituality seems laughable in light of the life of Sir Isaac Newton. His discoveries in the realms of physics, mathematics, and astronomy were so seminal and so numerous that he\’s regarded as the most influential scientist in history. Many refer to him as the greatest genius who ever lived. And yet Newton\’s central passions were alchemy and the Bible, about which he wrote millions of words, far more than what he devoted to his scientific interests. \”Gravity explains the motions of the planets,\” he wrote, \”but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done.\” I suggest you make Newton your role model, Virgo. It\’s a favorable time to forge a new spirit of cooperation between the two parts of your psyche — let\’s call them the rational and the transcendent — which so many of today\’s thinkers have told you cannot possibly co-exist.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I\’d love to see you call your own bluff and blow your own cover. I\’m hoping you\’ll stop hiding your assets and keeping so many secrets. And I really, really wish you would come out of the closet not just about your unique gender identity, but also about the other idiosyncratic twists and turns that make you who you are. Please stop being afraid of revealing your beauty, Libra — even the work-in-progress aspects of your beauty. It\’s time to close the gap between the real you and the images people have of you.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

To prepare this horoscope, I stole some of the lyrics from Yoko Ono\’s song \”Revelations\” and added some words of my own. Bless you for your anger, Scorpio. It\’s a sign of zeal. If you transform it into creative fire, it will transmute your relationship with any situation you\’re angry about. Bless you for your greed. It\’s a sign of great capacity. Honor the law of karma by giving as much as you want to get, and your greed will drive you to grow generous. Bless you for your jealousy. It\’s a sign of immature empathy. Ripen it into admiration and what you admire will become an inspiring part of your life.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your astrological omens are similar to those experienced by Oscar-winning actress Judi Dench back in February 2002. At that time, she was moved to make a dramatic revelation to film mogul Harvey Weinstein. In the midst of a party, she pulled down her pants to reveal her naked ass, revealing a temporary lipstick tattoo that read \”I love Harvey Weinstein.\” I\’m guessing you might be inspired to unveil a comparable surprise in the coming days, Sagittarius. At the very least, I expect you\’ll find some intriguing ways to express your affection and demonstrate your ardor.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here are a few of the improvements I expect you to have accomplished by the end of August: a panoramic view of what\’s beneath the tip of the iceberg; a more useful relationship with obsession; the cutting of a knot that has tied you up for far too long; the resurrection of a seemingly extinct dream; the beginning of the end of what you love to hate; and hot discussions about the Three Things That Have Rarely or Never Been Talked About.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It\’s the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I\’ve ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don\’t precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It\’s better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

Ron is down to six cups of coffee a day, which is much healthier than his previous 15-cup habit. We, his friends, might wish it wasn\’t because he joined an ascetic cult that wants him to get into top physical shape in order to fight the evil reptilian extraterrestrials that have taken over the bodies of corporate and governmental leaders. But hey, whatever works. Likewise, Pisces, this is a favorable time for you to resort to just about any legal measure in order to break the grip of your bad habits — even if that involves substituting some rather exotic new habits for the ones you need to eliminate.

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