~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

Let\’s put your salary in perspective. If you earn more than $2,182 per year, you\’re wealthier than 85 percent of the world\’s population. That\’s according to www.GlobalRichList.com. Even though you\’re pretty well-off, however, I\’m going to dare you to ask for more. It\’s the perfect astrological phase to do so. The omens suggest that you will attract benefactors and drum up cosmic support if you make even a half-assed attempt to get richer quicker. Homework: Write down three things you could do to raise your income.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

Recently I had minor eye surgery to close some tiny holes in my retina. It wasn\’t a big deal – just a preventive measure – and it didn\’t have any effect on my actual physical vision. The best part of the experience happened because of the nurse who prepped me for the procedure. She used a felt-tip pen to write "YES" over my right eyebrow, ensuring that the surgeon wouldn\’t aim the laser into the wrong eye. I didn\’t wash off the "YES" until 24 hours after the operation, and was pleased at the unexpected effect it had. I found myself using my eyes more aggressively–with a greater hunger to study my surroundings. It was as if the written "YES" had given me a subliminal suggestion to switch on a figurative "YES" in my perceptual apparatus. Now I\’m recommending this trick to you, Taurus. It\’s a perfect astrological moment to perk up your seeing. I dare you to write "YES" over both of your eyebrows.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

On some days you work on creating your tapestry, weaving each thread with care and artistry. On other days you inexplicably unravel the same tapestry, undoing your fine efforts. Is there some hidden purpose in this maddening rhythm – a strategy I can\’t fathom? Or is it fueled by a half-conscious compulsion you feel helpless to resist? Please get clear, Gemini, about what\’s motivating you to take two steps forward, then two steps backward. I\’d like to see you go at least three steps forward, two steps backward.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

"An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all," said author Elbert Hubbard. I don\’t know if I would go quite that far, but I do like the notion that the best ideas are disruptive to the status quo. Your mission in the coming weeks, Cancerian, is to flirt with and even embrace ideas like that – revolutionary perspectives that tend to undermine the way things have always been done and usher in fresh approaches to living the good life. For inspiration, you might want to check out The World Question Center (http://snipurl.com/lpik), which is collecting answers to the question "What is your dangerous idea?"

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

In the pagan calendar, the coming week brings Beltane, one of the major holidays of the year. Halfway between the spring equinox and the summer solstice, it marks a time of teeming fertility, when the life forces of the natural world are in full bloom, in our bodies as much as in plants and animals. At Beltane, many of us have access to more creativity than usual. Our vitality may be at a peak and our libidos fully unfurled. The effect is enhanced for you Leos by the fact that you\’re in the confidence-building phase of your personal cycle. As a result, you now have an excellent opportunity to get into the zone, where you can wield power with a playful spirit that\’s nourishing to everyone whose life you touch.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Bird-watchers in North Dakota are reporting a host of unusual sightings. A mountain plover has been spotted for the first time since the 1930s. The cormorant-like anhinga, which is native to swamps in southern climates, has also made an appearance. So has the Eurasian wigeon, a noisy duck that is rarely found outside of Europe and Asia. In addition, there have been visits by five other species that are unknown in the area. What\’s going on? Another byproduct of global warming and the weird effects it\’s generating? Maybe. Whatever it is, Virgo, a metaphorically similar experience will soon occur in your sphere. You\’ll be mingling with life forms and natural phenomena that you\’ve never come in contact with up until now.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Will the truth set you free? Maybe, but first it will set you on fire, metaphorically speaking. Once you have been completely consumed by the flames and been reborn out of the ashes like the mythical phoenix, then you might be able to figure out how to use the truth to set yourself free – and to set others free as well. As long as you\’re armed with the knowledge in this horoscope, Libra, the process won\’t hurt as much as you might imagine. In fact, the predominant sensation may be exultation. Here\’s some homework to get you started: Write your three top fears on a piece of paper and burn it.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The Sun and Mercury are lighting up your astrological House of Relationships. Uranus, the planet of awakening, is animating your House of Creativity, and is in a sweetly harmonious aspect with the expansive planet Jupiter, which is invigorating your House of Beginnings. What does it all mean? You have a fantastic opportunity to experiment with the ways you conduct your intimate alliances. I suggest that you have major fun as you introduce previously undreamed-of innovations into your three best bonds.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

"The biggest problem in the world could have been solved when it was small," said the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu. Let this advice serve as an early warning, Sagittarius. Unless you pounce immediately, a simple little glitch will eventually turn into a huge, nightmarish puzzle. Luckily, you now have all the resources you need to dispatch the annoyance with relative grace and ease.

 

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here are your magic words for the coming week: spree, frolic, whoopee, carouse, escapade, fiesta, and siesta. Invoke them often as you act out their meanings. And if your research into the altered states stir up results in complaints from people who\’d prefer you to act like a predictable machine, I\’ve written the following excuse note for you to give them: Please forgive Capricorns for departing from their routine behavior, including but not limited to disobeying orders, defying fate, sticking out their tongues, belly-laughing at odd moments, and dancing backwards on the tombstones of evildoers. They are currently under the influence of astrological factors that tend to dissolve inhibitions and awaken dormant joy.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It\’s Return to the Source Week for you, Aquarius – also known as Listen to Your Wild Heart Week and Honor Your Core Truths Week and Focus on the Juicy Gist Week. The best way to celebrate this priority-sharpening, attention-honing time is to get twice as serious about feeding the one dream that\’s more important to you than all others. Now study the counsel of Malidoma Some, as expressed in his book Of Water and the Spirit: "No one\’s center is like anyone else\’s. Find your own center, not the center of your neighbor, not the center of your father or mother or family or ancestor, but the center that is yours and yours alone."

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

For six and a half months in 1881, James Garfield was President of the United States. More impressive than his modest accomplishments during his short time in office was his multilingual ambidexterity. He could write a passage in Latin with one hand even as he wrote in Greek with the other hand. That kind of skill reminds me of the aptitudes you will have in the coming weeks, Pisces. If you so choose, you\’ll be able to take multitasking to profound new levels. Juggling will be your ruling metaphor. You may even be able to make a beautiful mess with one hand while creating a dynamic peace with the other.

~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

"When the only tool you have is a hammer," said psychologist Abraham Maslow, "you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail." Since it will be crucial for you not to regard everything as if it were a nail in the coming weeks, Aries, I suggest you make sure your toolbox is filled with screwdrivers, wrenches, drills, crowbars, and chisels, as well as hammers. If you want to nudge your craftsmanship even further outside of the box, you might also want to expand your definition of what a tool is. Remember that old TV show MacGyver? The hero used a paper clip to short-circuit the launch of a missile and a candy bar to plug up a leak of corrosive acid.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

It’s perfectly fine for you to have dreamy eyes in the coming days–wistful, hopeful, liquid eyes that are more focused on the fantasies within than on the sights without. Muse to your heart’s content, Taurus. Wander over to paradise in your imagination. Entertain utopian visions. As much as is practical, give yourself permission to visit LaLa land, where you can explore infinite possibilities, imaginary adventures, and "forbidden" topics that up until now you haven’t dared to play with.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

Poet Kay Ryan told the Christian Science Monitor how she cultivates the inspiration to write. She rouses the sense of a "self-imposed emergency," thereby calling forth psychic resources that usually materialize only in response to a crisis. Please note that she doesn’t provoke an actual emergency: She doesn’t arrange, for instance, to have a loved one get pinned beneath the wheels of a car. Instead, she visualizes hypothetical situations that galvanize her to shift into a dramatically heightened state of awareness. This would be an excellent technique for you to try, Gemini. It’s quite possible that simulating an imaginary crunch will prevent a real crunch. So picture yourself rescuing a talking parrot from a burning pet store; envision yourself making a snappy comeback that halts the abusive behavior of an out-of-control authority; imagine a nightmare in which you save the world.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

Psychotherapist James Hillman and essayist Michael Ventura wrote the book We’ve Had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World’s Getting Worse. In it, they propose that resolving our problems may not necessarily come from sitting in a room talking about our deep, private feelings with a trusted counselor. Instead, the best approach might be to go out into the world and do good works like helping the underprivileged or fighting for social justice. That happens to be the right prescription for you in the coming weeks, Cancerian. As you marshal your moral force and collaborate with other people who are motivated by altruism, you’ll heal your own personal pain.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

It may be a good idea for you to hang around a blacksmith or pay a visit to a foundry. You would benefit from gathering firsthand evidence of how metals can be melted, bent, cut, and worked. That might boost your confidence as you seek to reshape a certain situation in your life that to the naked eye seems utterly fixed and impossible to change. You have more power than you know, Leo, but in order to use it you’ll have to believe in it more zealously.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

In early spring, some of our forebears made love in newly seeded fields, hoping to magically propitiate the growth of the crops. Right now would be an excellent time for you to perform a similar ritual on behalf of what you love. If you’re game, find a secluded outdoor spot on a warm day. Bring a partner if one’s available, or take the earth or sky as your lover. Then carry out a rite of pleasure in which you offer up the spiritual essence of your bliss to the health and success of a beloved person or creature or situation that you want to thrive in the coming months.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The spirits of some of your dead ancestors are in your psychic vicinity, eager to make appearances in your dreams and waking visions. They’re hoping to fill you in on a number of subjects that will help you navigate your way through the labyrinthine terrain ahead. They have interesting speculations about what might work and not work for someone of your genetic make-up, and they also have perspectives that will help you put your upcoming decisions in a richer historical context. Even if you’re a materialistic, scientific person and scoff at the idea of dead ancestors providing useful information, I urge you to temporarily suspend your disbelief. Adopt a playful open-mindedness and at least pretend it’s possible.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

As you enter the Season of Unleashed Desire, here are a few guidelines to help you navigate your way through the interesting complexities ahead. (1) Consider the possibility that you have a lot to learn about what you really want. (2) Find out whether your chronic anger is obstructing the full bloom of a potentially beautiful desire. (3) Be careful about desiring experiences you don’t understand. (4) Meditate on the likelihood that some of your desires are superior to others, and that maybe you should cultivate those superior desires with more determination than you do the mediocre ones.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In contemplating your astrological omens, I’m reminded of Terence McKenna’s comment about a friend who "hurled herself into the abyss and discovered that it was a feather bed." If you can summon the courage to dive into the scary depths, Sagittarius, I do believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the comfy, luxurious digs that await you at the end of your descent. Now go ahead and yell "Geronimo!", which the dictionary defines as an exclamation used to express exhilaration when leaping from a great height.

 

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

In his book False Alarm: The Truth About the Epidemic of Fear, Dr. Marc K. Siegel argues that our circumstances are far better than we’ve been conditioned to believe. In fact, only a fraction of our culture’s histrionic pessimism is justified. Alas, the collective delusion that life is totally messed up has seeped into your personal life (as it has into mine and everyone’s), tainting even your most intimate moments. But in the coming weeks, it’s crucial that you fight to undo the brainwashing. Opportunities will be coming your way that will remain inaccessible if you’re too busy indulging in knee-jerk cynicism. So please resist the hypnotic temptation to look for the worst in everything. Be a fiercely buoyant nonconformist. Make this Nietzschean principle your watchword: Optimism tends to engender good health, while pessimism leads to morbidity.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Two friends of mine teach elementary school. They agreed to help me conduct a survey to determine how many first-graders eat worms, and what astrological signs they are. Among the 68 kids whom my buddies asked, seven boys enthusiastically bragged about their odd culinary habit. One girl also confessed, though with a little embarrassment. Of these eight, five were–you guessed it–Aquarians. I wasn’t surprised, seeing as how your sign is renowned for being the most eccentric. I was also quite pleased at the results. It made it easier for me to broach the unusual suggestion I have for you, which is that maybe you, too, should eat worms. This is the most direct way I can think of for you to carry out your current cosmic assignment, which is to come way down to earth.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

Some people imagine that I’m a bohemian mystic who lives outside the system and disdains conventional wisdom. That’s half-true. I’m also a disciplined artist with a fondness for analytical thinking and a commitment to self-mastery. In accordance with your current astrological omens, I will emphasize the latter approach in your horoscope this week. No matter how flowing and unbound you love to be, it’s high time for you to inject more organization and logic and self-regulation into your rhythm. Your Tarot card is the Emperor, "he who sets in order."

~ ASTROLOGY ~

ARIES

(March 21-April 19)

If you live to be 90 years old, you will have spent a total of eight months sitting in your car stopped at red lights. In addition, you will have wasted ten months standing in lines at stores, banks, and government agencies, and you will have lost almost two years killing time while hoping that a certain phone call, letter, or email will arrive. That\’s the bad news, Aries. The good news is that few of those agonizing pauses will be racked up in the near future. This is one time when \”no waiting\” is the rule. You could make three months\’ progress in 15 days.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

I once knew a psychic who worked with people in comas. He contacted their spirits, which were wandering in limbo between this world and the next, and tried to convince them to either fully return to their bodies or else let their bodies die and formally exit to the other side. The task you now face is nowhere as dramatically life-and-death as that, Taurus, but it\’s comparable in a sense: Being neither here nor there is a futile state that you shouldn\’t continue to accept. Do what\’s necessary to make the knotty choice with as much grace as possible.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

Plato said God was a geometer who created an ordered universe imbued with mathematical principles. Through the ages, scientists who\’ve dared to speak of a Supreme Being have sounded the same theme. Galileo wrote, \”To understand the universe, you must know the language in which it is written. And that language is mathematics.\” Modern physicist Stephen Hawking says that by using mathematical theories to comprehend the nature of the cosmos, we\’re trying to know \”the mind of God.\” But philosopher Richard Tarnas proposes a different model than these three. In his book Cosmos and Psyche, he suggests that God is an artist–more in the mold of Shakespeare than Einstein. Your assignment, Gemini, is to practice seeing the world like that: as a sublime work of art crafted by a master of drama, suspense, and storytelling. In my opinion, your life these days is a lyrical example of this divine craft.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

\”All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware,\” wrote philosopher Martin Buber. That\’s something you\’re on the verge of proving, Cancerian. Any day now I hope you will discover the hidden truth about a treasure you didn\’t know you\’ve been searching for; you will stumble upon the surprising answer to a riddle you hadn\’t even realized you desperately need to solve.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

I had a dream about my three closest Leo friends. In the dream, I was observing them as they wriggled out of cocoons that were hanging from a large tree that resembled a dinosaur skeleton. They were covered with feathers and their arms had turned into wings, though they still had human faces. Once they were free of the cocoons, they soared away. As I watched their ascent, my own arms began to transform into feathered wings. I felt that I, too, would soon be able to fly. Here\’s how I interpret my dream: You Leos are ready to take off, and your flights will serve as inspiring examples to other people.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Did you ever get one of those spam emails informing you that you\’ve won the lottery in the Netherlands or that your government is trying to locate you in order to give you the assets of a distant relative who died and left you an inheritance? In the coming week, you should be alert for messages that contain authentic versions of those phony come-ons. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you have become eligible for benefits you don\’t know about or have barely guessed the existence of.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The World Conservation Union says that one out of every eight of the Earth\’s plant species is facing extinction. The threat is even higher in the U.S., where 29 percent are at risk. You may imagine this has no impact on your personal life, but I believe your deep self experiences it with tremendous sadness and loss. In accordance with current astrological omens, you might consider addressing the situation by revitalizing your connection to the plant world. Try singing to a forsythia bush. Hug a cherry tree. Say a prayer for a garden. Eat a salad or drink chamomile tea with reverent gratitude. Buy a new African violet for your home.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your power animal is the Hawaiian fish known as the humuhumunukunukuapuaa. It has two spines, and that\’ll be a good symbol for you in the coming days: You\’ll need to have a powerful backbone as you weather challenges to your integrity and authority. The humuhumunukunukuapuaa is also able to wedge itself into tight spaces to seek temporary refuge from its adversaries. That has a metaphorical resemblance to a skill I hope you\’ll cultivate. Finally, the humuhumunukunukuapuaa looks like a pig and makes pig-like grunts. You\’ll benefit from having a similar ability to confound people about what kind of animal you are. Having multiple identities will keep you strong.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I\’m not in the least sorry about that time 15 years ago when Brandon and Anah and I jumped on the roof of a stranger\’s BMW at 3 a.m. and belted out songs from \”West Side Story.\” Nor do I have any regrets about burning 37 dollar bills and kissing 32 people\’s asses at 2003\’s Burning Man festival during my Sacred Uproar Revival show. I\’m also at peace with scores of other past actions that lacked decorum and dignity. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Sagittarius, it\’s a good time for you to do something similar: Celebrate the outrageous, extreme, uninhibited things you\’ve done that caused no harm and raised the levels of fun in your part of the world. Then go out and do some more.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Things you DON\’T particularly need right now: excuses to procrastinate; urges to retreat into hardened positions and fixate on the way things used to be; a willingness to politely tolerate control freaks; fantasies about changing the personalities of people you love. Things you DO need: a windy day, a meadow, and a dragonish kite; more raw curiosity and better questions; a slightly irrational diversion that fires up your imagination; an idiosyncratic altar in your bedroom; more gratitude for and intimacy with your muse; finger paint and five large sheets of paper so you can illustrate your life story.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarian actress and talk show host Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968) had a lot to say. According to her biographer Joel Lobenthal in his book Tallulah!: The Life and Times of a Leading Lady, she sometimes spoke nonstop for hours, and in the course of one especially loquacious day uttered upwards of 70,000 words. Let\’s make her your role model for the coming week, Aquarius. I believe it\’s your sacred duty to express even more thoughts, jokes, observations, and stream-of-consciousness messages than you usually do. Fluency is your middle name.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20)

My best friend in high school was James, a Piscean artist. His work was so wild and beautiful that it scared his parents. Instead of seeing him as he was–a budding creative genius–they suffered from the delusion that he was mentally ill. They confined him to an asylum and forced him to undergo shock treatments. Since they thought I was a bad influence, they forbade us from having contact. I lost track of him when I went to college, and later he dropped out of sight. This week I decided to google James. I was ecstatic to find that he has grown up big and strong. He\’s an inventor and philanthropist living in Florida, having made loads of money from his numerous creations. In line with your astrological omens, I nominate him to be your inspiration. May his triumph over his past rouse you to recover some of the fullness of the brilliance that was suppressed and wounded when you were young.

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