Good Santa

The perks big-time media columnists get — particularly at this time of year — include samples of glamorous technological wonders, with which they while away glee-filled hours iPhoning, mammoth-flat-screen viewing, and hi-def camcording the contents of their computerized refrigerators. Yep, those are some lucky bastards. I, being King of All Media Shmedia, might possibly get a one-week loan of some mid-level gadget from Amazon if I promise my left nut as collateral.

So, with no further ado (and no further naughty bits available for collateral) I offer this year's no-frills, low-budget, last-minute guide to drool-worthy media gifts. (You already know what an iPhone is, anyway.) We'll be going in descending price order, so if there's someone who did, in fact, give you an iPhone or some other $400 item, this first item will sate your guilt.

Amazon.com has introduced something called a Kindle, and it is definitely better to light one Kindle than to curse the darkness, lemme tell ya. This thing is to reading what the iPod is to hearing. You download books (exclusively from Amazon.com, of course — free trade only has limited appeal in the techno-marketplace) directly to your Kindle, and read them on a screen that actually simulates a piece of paper (no monitor glare). And you download wirelessly, on the same omnipresent networks as cell phones, not the limited WiFi you have to pay the guy at Starbucks to use. So, on something the size and weight of a paperback, you can carry around 200 books and also Google ‘til your palms grow hair (Web browsing and checking e-mail are doable, though rudimentary— but slacking in cyberspace isn't the point). If you've wanted an alternative to all things broadband, Kindling could work. It's books. Reading. Good for you. You'll feel less guilty than you would getting another iPod. Tell yourself that as you shell out $399 for the thing.

Now let's drop out of that medium-rarified price point and hit the Flip. It's a camcorder that fits in your shirt pocket, and then clicks right into the USB port on your computer to effortlessly download what you shot. It is stupidly easy to use, and priced under $150. Sure, you could blow a grand on a hi-def wündercam that will bring tears to George Lucas' eyes. But let's face it: you're using this thing to crank out a rant for YouTube, or to send a candid to grandma of the baby licking the dog. And because this thing is so portable and uncomplicated, you might even catch the baby doing the actual licking, instead of having to pose her for a simulation.

As your loved ones' expectations drop, so does our price point. We'll wrap things up with DVDs — one fancy and one fornicate-y. The fancy one is Preston Sturges: The Filmmaker Collection, a DVD box set available online for $42-ish. If you don't know the movies of Preston Sturges, I am your new best friend, and you will be forever grateful for the introduction. Arguably the wittiest and freshest writer-director of the 1940s, this guy's films still hold up, and will continue doing so until I'm a blathering fool (no — they'll be good long past that). A few of the films, such as the wonderful The Lady Eve, are also available in extra-luxe Criterion Collection editions, but the bare-bones discs should suffice. The Criterions have very erudite audio tracks, but all that pondering can encroach upon the chortling, and I don't like walking around with cramped chortles. In any event, the only essential Preston Sturges film missing from this collection is The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, a 1944 howler in which Betty Hutton gets knocked up by a G.I. whose name she can't remember (\"Private Ratzky-Watzky?\"). Buy somebody you really like the box set and this extra DVD; you'll still be under $60.

Last comes a humble little DVD, if you can only spend a bit but you want to make a tumescent impact. Shortbus is a film that will never be stocked at Blockbuster. It was made by John Cameron Mitchell (the Hedwig & the Angry Inch guy), and is a brave and entertaining thumb-in-the-teeth to those who would determine how much sex and violence we should have in our movies. Shortbus has no violence at all in it. It does, however, have actual, penetration-showing sex. And it's not porno, if you can believe it's possible to pull that off. It's a legitimate and heartfelt film that doesn't shy away from sex. Watch it, and you might almost think you live in Europe, or something. Give it to someone you love (street price about $20) and you'll probably get lucky — because of the karma from giving a wonderful present and supporting a valiant filmmaker. What did you think I meant? Ho.