Freaks and geeks
The weirdest thing about the latest vampire flick is the casting
By Erik Hayden 10/29/2009
The Vampire’s Assistant
Directed by Paul Weitz
Starring: Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly, Ken Watanabe, Salma Hayek
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense supernatural violence and action, disturbing images, thematic elements and some language
A suburban teenager dressed in funeral attire is lying in a closed casket playing Nintendo DS, while waiting to be buried. He’s not really dead, but appeared to be long enough so that his parents could believe the ruse. At the stroke of midnight (or sometime around there), he’ll be dug up by a real vampire and begin a new life as his assistant. He’ll need to learn how to drink blood from humans (only just a sip), develop new powers (like growing long, sharp fingernails) and, of course, hit on the cutest girl in the freak circus.
Yes, Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, is the latest in a long (probably never-ending line) of teen fantasy novels to be adapted into a movie. It displays all the hallmarks of the genre with all the grace and wit of a checklist. A reignited war between vampires and the evil vampaneze? Sure. A traveling circus that provides a neutral sanctuary (ala Hogwarts) during the war? Check. A Dumbledore-ish mentor (John C. Reilly)? Yup. And, you guessed it, the young half-vampire is the chosen one that’s supposed to right the balance of the force, or kill Voldemort, or something.
Fortunately, the studio’s hopes for a string of sequels based on the book series died with the paltry opening weekend box office gross (the film got lost behind the collective thunder of Paranormal Activity and Where the Wild Things Are). So where does that leave the Vampire’s Assistant? As a true movie oddity — a dingy side lot freak show where a few brave souls may peep under the dusty curtains and be waylaid by the curious sights splayed out before them.
For starters, there’s the inexplicable appearance of 30 Rock’s Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski). As religious viewers of the NBC sitcom know, in the show Jenna may be a flashy B-list TV star, but she has horrific taste in choosing film roles. Seeing “Jenna” smugly regenerate lost limbs as a horrendously miscast circus freak in Vampire’s Assistant might have elicited one of the loudest bits of unintentional laughter this year.
Then there are the respectable character actors who either completely phone in their performances, or worse, immerse themselves completely in bewilderingly obscure roles. Ever wanted to see Selma Hayek as the bearded lady? Me neither. Ken Watanabe as the ringmaster with a convoluted accent and incredible receding hairline? Nope. How about Patrick Fugit (the kid from Almost Famous) as the hipster Snake Boy who only wears American Apparel clothing? Willem Dafoe as the obligatory flamboyant vampire officer wearing Heath Ledger’s Joker make-up?
If not for these cameos and oddities, the audience would have to pay attention to the two blandly suburban teenage leads: the overachieving good boy and his misunderstood and rebellious best friend. These guys make the High School Musical cast seem edgy.
All of this is bad news for John C. Reilly, who really did try to hold the film together. This was the role of a lifetime for him — seriously. No longer just Will Ferrell’s sidekick (Talladega Nights and Step Brothers), he had an opportunity to portray a brooding, witty, lonely 200-year-old vampire who mentors “the chosen one” in a potential series of films — and he pulls it off brilliantly. Unfortunately, he’s buried underneath the Assistant’s freak show sludge: the final nail in the coffin for his leading man aspirations.
DIGG | del.icio.us | REDDIT